PRISONER EXPRESS

My great idea for this theme -- Too Close for Comfort -- was to interview one of the old prison guards; we will call him Mr. King. It's not his name you understand, but he's been around awhile and rules much better than these new half trained punk bosses. I think we all know prisons are less violent than they were "back in the game." Some of the old guards or convicts don't mind telling you a story if you are a good listener.

So I asked Mr. King if he possibly had a story that fir -- Too Close for Comfort -- and this is what he told me:

"Me and the wife are naturalists. Ya know what that is son?"

"Ah...Bird watchers, flowers, fall scenes...that kind'a stuff?" I asked.

"Nudist," he slightly blushed. "It's about freedom, see. Ya think of nudity and ya think of sex. Ya think of sex, ya think of being naked. People reckon that is what nudists do. They think nudist colonies are for orgies. But that ain't what it's about. You think'a how difficult it is to be naked even among just men. You have to look just so and to perform. Well what if your wife sees some fella that has a bigger one. You got them love han'les and a beer gut and it ain't gonna take much to be showed up."

"That's a bunch of fo-fo ya see. My wife already has seen me. She thinks I'm just fine because, she loves me? Nah. She loves me, sure, but she thinks I'm fine because she don't look any better. Ya see. So we can be nudists and it means we're free. My gut can sag and her butt can shake like jello. She can look at a fella with washboard abs and I can look at some young girl. It's just lookin' and not even wantin'. You're just there to relax and be yourself -- nude and free."

"Some times you find those places that aren't quite comfortable. Too many youngsters and the feeling ain't right. Then sometimes you find one that is oh so comfortable. We found a nice place last fall. We were RV'n around on vacation and meant to only stay the one night. It was nice and the folks were nice. We stayed four days and didn't wanna leave them, but we went on down the coast. We stopped later at one 'a them big places. Ya know, not just for truckers but for normal folk too. They got the gas and diesel all fuel service. Then a nice restaurant for family and all. Or they got the fast food and some motels up the road."

"We needed some and some food. So the wife went on in to get us a table and order some food. I pulled around to the pumps and told the guy to fill up both tanks and check everything. I head for the can. Course the RV has one of its own -- Restroom. I don't like to empty the thing so I avoid putting anything in it. I went to the gas station restroom. I slipped in and locked the door behind me. Then I reached for my zipper. Cept, there weren't no zipper. I was as nude as the day I was born. Nah! I had on my house slippers."

"Ya know, I don't know how I made it there naked without...well...ya see, don't ya?"

"Yeah," I laughed.

"Course it were in the fall and not many folk on the road. The place was near empty when we pull in. The attendant walk right pass me with his nose in a book and I don't recall anyone else."

"I knew getting back wasn't going to be as easy, cause I were aware now. I thought about just waiting for the wife to get worried and come look'n. Then have her to get my clothes. But even as I thought there came a knockin' at the door. This young guy -- 8 or 10 years old -- were yellin' "I gotta go real bad. Man or boy, ya gotta go -- ya gotta go."

"I stood behind the door and opened it. As he rushed in I rushed out and shut the door. There was a car sitting right there. Someone was restin' their head on the steer'n wheel and a woman diggin' in the trunk. The only place to go was the lady's room or around to the front of the station. I nearly ran into a little fella, about 4, who giggles at me and asked if I'd seen his Bubba. I point him toward the restroom and rush around a pickup truck and a station wagon full of noisy kids and frustrated mothers."

"Then there was a cop. He was parked between me and the outside pumps, where I parked the RV. He was giving some guy directions. I was stuck, waiting for him to spot me or some woman to scream. He suddenly turned the other way and made a dash between him and the pumps. My old wanger actually slapped him on the butt. He turned quick but I was quicker. I was on the other side of the pumps and said excuse me. He had this strange look on his face; yet, I knew he could only see my head. I suppose he wasn't used to old men tappin him on the ass. For some guys that's a come-on. He gave me a nod and went on talking to this other fella. I hurried around the RV and was climbing in when the attendant said, "That'll be $42.50." he was still in grossed in that book and I told him my wallet was in my other pants as I shut the door. Now is that the kinda story you wanted son?"

"Ah...Yeah! Thanks Mr. King."

Now if that ain't Too Close for Comfort nothing is, but I was left with the impression Mr. King enjoyed his adventure and liked telling the take. I said, "way to go Mr. King."

- Michael A. Pace